Dear David Stern

Dear David Stern:

I have some serious bones to pick with you. First, you take my favorite college basketball player, Mark Titus and forbid him from entering the NBA Draft. Let me tell you something, Mr. Stern, you've sold us all on the fact that the NBA is a business. We get it. LBJ may or may not be a Knick in a year or so because this is a business. Whatever is good for the teams, and ultimately the league financially is what is to happen. So, I really do not understand this thing. Mark Titus is probably one of the top 20 well-known college basketball players in the country. You refuse to let him enter the league? All that's going to happen is that he'll make money himself, for the team, and ultimately for the league. Bogus.

Second, why did you let Orlando cheat against the Cavs? Crap, it's right their in their team name! The MAGIC! I knew this series was doomed from the get-go because the other team would be using illusions. I firmly believe right now, and further research is necessary to delve into this a bit more, that at least 70% of all the made three pointers the MAGIC shot were illusions. Their shot really wasn't going in, they relied on MAGIC to make sure that it did. I want our congresspeople in on this. I want Barack Obama in on it. Expose the NBA and the MAGIC for what they are--magicians, who are cheaters.

I discovered a sheet of paper with two funny thoughts I had a while back. Here they are:

One time, I shook my baby maker. The neighbor girl did not like it, and the charges are still pending.

Apparently 90% of all 15 year olds have cell phones. This is according to a survey done by Verizon Wireless using numbers of their subscribers.

Chuck Norris does not eat cereal. In fact, Wheaties are made of 100% pure Chuck Norris, hence why they are the breakfast of champions.

N-Stick, out.

OOOoooooo we need a game!

How high can you count?! No cheating! And.... go!

Viewers Like You

The people have spoken. In light of much sarcasm on my Facebook from my dear, sweet mother, I will be putting comments back on without moderation. This decision was reached after I realized that I would've had at least five comments on this post, had I allowed them all. That, and while fascism allows for apparent popularity, it does not do too well for real popularity. Ask Russia. Or Hitler. That raises a question, though. Hitler is, by all measures, incredibly popular. Books, TV Shows, movies, on and on and on. He's about as popular as Rush Limbaugh. But, no one would ever admit to liking Hitler--except for me.

Prior to going nuts, murdering millions of people, and attempting to take over the world he talked about peace more than anything. There was never, ever a sign that he would be anything but a peaceful leader. And, as many will tell you, how we handled Hitler initially has determined how we have handled any precarious foreign policy since WWII, with the prime example being Iraq. It could be argued Hitler has shaped our foreign policy more than anyone else in the past 5 decades.

What does this mean for me? Not everything is as simple as it seems. So by suppressing my readers, I only create resentment towards myself.

Returning to the real world, I went and saw the Billy Joel and Elton John concert this weekend at The Q in Cleveland. Not only did I return to the scene of the crime from the night before (where Lebron James had basketball sex with me without buying me dinner), but more importantly than LBJ and and Elton and Billy was the stand I saw at the Q. That's right, they were selling Digornio pizza. Clearly someone has had an idea similar to mine, and is doing quite well and capitalizing on it. I think it's only a matter of time before those people (I think LBJ owns it? Maybe?) and myself get together for 100% awesome idea. Plus, Howie Long approves of the idea, so clearly there's something to it. Look for LBJ and Nate Stickney Digornio Delivers Pizza Places near you in the not-not-so-distant future. (Do you see what I did there? DOUBLE NEGATIVE!)

Today's post is brought to you by the letters Q, W and OMG Posters. Check that site out for some excellent work and posters.

And, this website is supported by viewers like you, so do your part and visit the Google Ads above. Find one you like, click it, and think. Mmmmm thinking. In the comments, post what you wish your age was, and what you think someone else's favorite food is and why. I know that's a lot, but be creative. Remember, VIEWERS LIKE YOU!

Oh, and "the News" won the last commenting contest. I hate José Mesa.

Fascism

This post is dedicated to Bryan, who commented on the last post.

You see, Bryan posted something negative about the last post. He, in fact, unlike everyone (100% of all survey respondents) did not like the Digornio Delivery idea. He posted this, so I'm taking away his free speech on this blog. From this point forth, comments will be moderated.

There is some beautiful irony in this, though. Bryan used to have a post card hanging in his room (probably still does) that listed some signs of fascism. Stay tuned for signs that this blog is becoming increasingly fascist.

In other news, I was told "Pandora", the incredible music radio-type thing on the interwebs, is not allowed at my work. However, bringing in CDs and playing them through my computer and headphones is permitted. In the words of a co-worker who gave me a heads-up, having headphones "makes the day go by extra super fast."

For those who don't know, I have taken a new job, as an Office Assistant with the State of Ohio Dept. of MRDD. I don't mind the job, and the pay is good, but I have a hard time relating to middle-aged black women. I've started tuning into BET and attending church, though, and loving fried chicken, so I should be caught up soon.

Tonight's question is sort've a fun play-along stolen from my current favorite Tweeter, David Pogue. Add a word to a celebrity name and make it funny. For example - Curious George Jetson - a spaceship flying monkey. Game on, yo.

Spread the fascism like democracy!

And the winner is...

A favorite Kellerism of mine was "make it a winner." This, as is the norm on this blog, is a poop joke. He was referring to guys who had to empty their large intestine of its solid waste. I now always ask people if "it was a winner" after they've gone, or instruct them to "make it a winner" if they're going. I even have friends who will text me "it was a winner" if they've went. Thanks for that, Coach Keller. I'm not lying when I tell you that you have no idea the impression you made on me.

The real winner, though, for this post, is Mark M. I'm not sure who he is, but he was the only one who knew where Orel Hershiser went to college. Given the big following of this blog at The BGSU, I figured someone would've gotten it. Congratulations to Mark, your prize is lost in the mail (as in, in my mailbox here, never to be sent out. It's the thought that counts, though, right?)

And the other winner is me. I had a brilliant idea last night. But first, a story from after said idea. I was out with some friends, and mentioned that I had a blog (I was explaining my great idea I was going to write about, still to come). That got a big "oh no! A blog! That's terrible." So I had to explain that the blog is not a "BLOG" in the "this is what I did today" sense (see Xanga circa 2002). The main goal of this is to get a radio show, and the secondary goal is to entertain the masses known as people who are my Facebook friends.

So this idea, that I went on to talk about, is a real money maker. Digornio is good pizza. They have the trademark "It's not delivery, it's Digornio." Well, last night, as I was making my Digornio, I realized how much of a pain in the rear it was to actually do that. I fought with the box to open it, I struggled peeling the plastic back to get the pizza out, and then, found it nearly impossible to remove that cardboard from the bottom. I thought, if only someone could do this for me and bring me the pizza when it's ready. Then I thought, aha! I will open restaurants that deliver baked Digornio pizzas! I still get the Digornio pizza, and don't have to bake it at home! I call copyright dibs on this idea right now. You know you would order from the Digornio delivery place.

Tonight's question: How much did the postage rate increase on Monday, and what is the new rate?

Spread the word homies!

You Got Crabcakes

I went out to dinner with a ho bag (Susan) and some acquaintances on Saturday. We went to a restaurant called "Betty's" and had quite the delightful time. Were I to call it anything, I would call it like when you're fishing for trout and catch some other, better kind of fish instead. I knew I would have a nice time, but not this nice of a time. So, the scholarly young man in our group--we'll call him Franklin--decided crab cakes would be an appropriate appetizer, and sought accomplices in his crab cake endeavor. I helplessly agreed, figuring we could make the most excellent crab-cake devouring team since Johnson & Johnson.

Naturally, as we're waiting for this to pass, the others share story about previous crab cake indulgences. Susan and her companion had had crab cakes in Baltimore that were priced "at market price". They ended up being a $28 order of crab cakes. Shnikes. She said she thought that they were probably caught the same day they were eating. Naturally, I wondered out loud (where are my manners?) "Aren't crabs usually caught the day they were eaten?" If you don't get that, you're not old enough to read this blog, and it's probably past your bedtime.

Now, the hilarity ensues as I try to recall EXACTLY how that joke went. I mean, in my last post, you all saw the struggles I have with remembering the hilarity that comes from this generation's Mark Twain (me). So, I asked my dear friend Susan (the ho bag, who henceforth will be referred to as "Lisa") to borrow her phone. I had no pen and paper with me--who does on a Saturday night?--and needed to remember the delicate wording verbatim for this joke to be executed properly. The result is a voicemail on my phone, from myself, which is transcribed here:

"Uh, usually you do get crabs on the--wait(background noise)--crabs are usually caught on the day you ate them. That has to do with the disease crabs and sexual nature but also it's a play on words about like the actual food crabs. we had crab cakes and Lisa was talking about fresh crab and she said it was caught the day that she ate it and I said usually crabs are caught the day that you ate them. (pause) And it's funny. So, use that in your blog. Got it, dumbass? Bye."

Thus, you have this post.

Congrats to BT for winning, twice (so unnecessary) and Emily Turner for taking 2nd (3rd?). And congrats to the News for being a giant doucher.

I apologize for the language in this post. I promise it will improve in the future.

Tonight's question---with which baseball team did Orel Hershiser play in college?

Web searches will not be tolerated. Someone HAS to know this.